I think, up to this point, I felt mostly in control of my life. Things happened outside of my control, sure, but for the most part, it was cause and effect. People like to say “choose your hard”. But what if you don’t get to pick? What if circumstances outside of your control are spiraling your life into something unrecognizable, and nothing you do seems to make a difference?
That’s kind of where I am. So many things I didn’t choose and cannot change surround life and the way each day goes now. It’s a hard, hard realization when you know you are only reacting and nothing you can do will change any of it.
Working outside the house is hard. I’ve done my best, with the job on the bus and refereeing volleyball, choosing jobs that I can take a kid or three with me when I need to. That helps so much. I’ve asked for seat belts installed on the bus so that Lach and Creed can always ride with me. It’s supposed to be happening. Laws require that for them to come. I so hoped when I picked my freshly serviced bus up after Christmas that I’d have those seatbelts. I did not. I about cried. At least I could have my two youngest babies with me when I have to go. But it’s still time away, dividing attention and alliances. It’s not for the weak of heart.
Toddlers and teens together is hard. Toddlers get ideas and influences from teens and no one is all together 24/7 like the little years. I watched Lachlan beg for his solid black “ninja” shirt and recalled the older ones’ toddler years. There were no ninja shirts. No begging for certain clothes. No insisting that one was superior simply because he’d been told it was cool. Dude. It’s a black shirt. Be a ninja in the red one. But noooo. I handed said toddler to one of the teens that created this monster with one request. Convince him another shirt is cool. A clean other one, specifically. I don’t have the energy for this nonsense.
Epilepsy is a beast. I hate it. I don’t know how to fix this. I know it could be better than it is. I just don’t know how to get to that point. I just hate it. We are not in a good spot at all. School has become a huge, huge burden for him and I to accomplish each day. We’ve restructured and changed curriculum and expectations but it continues to be so, so hard. I don’t know what the answer is there.
I have said for years to do hard things. Do the next thing. But I’m at the end of myself, everything is hard, and the things left to do far surpass my time and energy to do them.
All I know to do is lean on Christ and do the next thing. I am really struggling though. Saying it and keeping on with doing it are two different things.